I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
