Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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