So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
