I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
