ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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