so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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