The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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