so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
