Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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