I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
