i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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