Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
