Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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