God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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