i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
