i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
