I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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