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There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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