If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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