Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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