So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
