Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
