Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Boobs are out for the taking
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize