I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
