My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
