its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
