so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
