just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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