you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
