FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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