Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I looked at my own cervix.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
