if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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