I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Drunk is not a location!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
