I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
