Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
