Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
