Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize