C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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