I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
