having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
