stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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