But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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