Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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