Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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