Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
