hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
