You smell like a Billy Joel song
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
