A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
