I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
