I must be too annoying 4 u.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
