Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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