When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
