If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
