Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
