you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
