Got a toothbrush?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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